Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I didn't lose any weight this week and didn't gain and that kind of sums up my last few days. It has been very bland, no big ups and no big downs. Just stable.
Work has been incredibly busy and frustrating and it won't slow down till May. So at the moment I am putting all my energy into not cracking the shits at my co-workers and smashing my computer... It is pretty sad when I feel a tickle in my throat and hope it is the flu so I can take some guilt free time off work!
I am helping my brother move tomorrow night after work, so I'll look at that as an opportunity to burn a few calories!!!
So that is what is happening with me this week.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
It is a pretty easy question to answer because I can clearly see how food and losing weight have been a huge part of my life since I can remember.
I was always over weight, even as a baby my mum was taking me to the doctor because I was gaining weight too quickly and the doctor put me on skim milk- my first diet. This didn't help and my parents continued to be concerned and take me to doctor after doctor. I was only young, so I was eating the same food as my brothers, yet I continued to gain weight.
My gran was particularly concerned and would never let me eat any sweets and was always criticising me. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong and why she was always punishing me. I can clearly remember her telling me one day when I was 5 that I should suck my stomach in really hard and one day I would just wake up and I would be skinny. I now know that this was because she was embarrassed of my round stomach that stuck out, but I believed her at the time and for weeks I made myself sick from sucking my stomach in so hard. Every morning I would wake up and be so disappointed to see my stomach was still fat and that the weight had not miraculously disappeared over night.
Then when I started primary school it became clear to me that I wasn't like everyone else. I was teased merclessly and kids didn't want to play with me because I was fat. I was too young to understand this compleatly, but I did know that the other kids teased me when I ate, so I should stop eating. So I started starving myself from a very young age. Then binging.
I was too young to have any concept of what foods were healthy and what foods were unhealthy, so I just didn't eat any food during the day. Then I would get home from school and be so hungry, so I would lock myself in the bathroom under the pretense of having a bath and binge on roll-ups, muesli bars, chips, cakes and other snack food. My older brother used to get the blame for all the missing food, no one would have suspected that it was me.
This went on until high school, when I got better at starving myself. During this time my parents also got divorced and my mother was hospitalised on and off for a number of years because she is manic depressive. This was of course ideal conditions for me to starve myself. I had very little adult supervision so no one noticed that I didn't eat anything. I remember one day at school a guy telling me that I looked like I was on drugs and I took it as the biggest compliment. I thought that I must really look thin!
I would go through periods where I would lose weight, but the binging continued and I was never able to keep the weight off and I got fatter and fatter after each diet.
When I was 20 I was finally diagnoised with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and at 25 I was told that I am also Insulin Resistant. It seems that this is why I have always gained weight and struggled to lose it. I now know that I need to eat low GI foods to keep my in insulin stable and to lose weight. I know this, but unfortunately the damage has already been done and I find it very difficult to do what I know is right.
I am 26 years-old and I have spent 20 years depriving my body of the food it needs and now I am obsessed with food. I think about food and dieting all the time, I watch other people eating at work or on TV and I am envious of them. I have very little control over myself when it comes to food and more then anything I would just like to have a normal relationship with food. I still find myself wanting to starve myself and then binging. It is a cycle I just can't seem to break. That is what this year is about for me. I may not lose a stack of weight, but I want to at least maintain the weight I lost last year and forge new healthier eating habits and break this cycle.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
- Walk to and from work every day- 25 minutes each way, pretty easy because there is no other way for me to get there
- Have my Optifast shake for breakfast every day- this is just so I have breakfast, not because I particularly feel I have to have an Optifast shake, I am just too lazy to make anything else at 7am
- Avoid the biscuit jar at work- which is always full of tim tams, mint slices, caramel crowns and chocolate royals
- Bring my lunch from home- this is as much about being healthy as it is about me being a tight arse
- No drive thru- I used to be a bit addicted to late night drive thru, but since a friend of mine has been sick with cancer I feel repulsed by putting that kind of crap in my body
- Alcohol no more then once a week- this has also been quite easy because I know a few guys with alcohol problems or who are alcoholic and it has really made me start to detest alcohol and how it can screw people up
Friday, January 26, 2007
My family was supposed to be visiting from the country over the weekend and I have spent over $200 on food and I have only just found out they are not coming anymore. The food I bought is not exactly healthy either. I made a killer full fat egg and bacon potato salad and a Greek salad with a pretty decadent dressing. Not to mention the 10 kilo's of meat marinating in my fridge. I wonder if can I freeze that meat now?
Of course I bought all my favourite foods too. I ate a whole container of creamy sweet chili dip today and I still have 4 other yummy dips in the fridge. Plus a cupboard full of chips, lollies and chocolates.
I don't know why I go so overboard. My family don't visit very often, so I got a bit excited with the food spending. I might have to try and give some of this food away because it is clear that I will eat the whole lot otherwise.
I must admit that I am kind of annoyed that I spent my whole day off today cleaning my house, grocery shopping and cooking. I guess it leaves the rest of my weekend for relaxing, let's just hope I don't spend it eating my way through all of this food as well...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Work has been really busy and I had to work 8am-8pm today.
This would normally mean eating from the vending machine because "I deserve it, I am working hard" and "I need some sugar to get me through the day". Instead I snacked on my fruit and my vita wheats, to make sure I didn't ever get too hungry.
I also had a department lunch and I ordered the Thai Beef Stirfry with "as little oil as possible", though I don't think they really took much notice of that request...
Finally, I drank diet coke instead of wine with lunch. I didn't feel like wasting any of my calories on alcohol (plus I get pretty sleepy when I drink in the afternoons).
Sorry about all the bragging! I know it is a bit over the top, but I feel good that I made it through a tough challenge. In the past I would have eaten some creamy pasta for lunch, with a couple of glasses of wine and some chocolate in the afternoon and then finish it off with Maccas for a quick dinner.
I am trying to be as good (healthy) as possible this week because I have a 4 day long weekend this weekend and I have family coming to stay, so I am sure there will lot's of food and wine invloved. As it should be too!
Oh, by the way, I wore one of my new tops today and got 3 compliments!!! I swear I was walking a foot taller! :-)
Monday, January 22, 2007
I was shocked when I weighed myself this morning and saw such a huge loss. Last week I worked really hard and I didn't lose any weight, so I have a pretty strong feeling that some of the weight I lost this week was actually from last week. I worked hard this week, but not that hard!
I am only aiming to lose about half a kilo a week, so 1.5 kilo's is way above my expectations. I know it is too much to lose every week, but I am going to take the loss and be happy.
I am off to have my Weight Watchers Berry Mudslide ice cream for dessert. Yum!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
For the past 6 months at my new job I have had to plan a week in advance what I was going to wear every day because I only had about 5 tops. So I would watch the weather report for the week and work out which days I should wear my heavier tops and which days would be hotter, so I should wear my short sleeved tops.
It wasn't that I haven't been looking for new work clothes, I just couldn't find anything I liked. Fat peoples clothes are so expensive, and I refuse to spend $80 on a top that is ugly, so I have been holding out for clothes that I like. I also have an awkward shaped body (doesn't everyone...) in that I have a big belly and smaller arms, legs, chest bum. I am the classic apple. It makes it very difficult to find clothes that fit nicely.
So, with the new additions to my wardrobe, I now have about 9-10 wearable work tops and I suddenly feel like I have a new found freedom!!! :-) It takes me back to when I was 18 years old and at my lowest adult weight (not sure the weight exactly, but I was an Australian size 14). I had just started uni and saved up all my money and gone on a HUGE shopping spree. I used to wake up in the morning and be excited about getting dressed because I had no many gorgeous clothes to choose from.
After that year I steadily gained weight and pretty much refused to buy any clothes in a larger size. I kept buying size 14 clothes and just left them in my wardrobe with the tags on, with the delusion that I would lose weight and they would fit me (I eventually gave them to the salvo's). I had a few "fat clothes" that would see me throughout every season. In fact, for every year and every season I could probably identify that one outfit that I would continually wear. In a strange way, those few items of clothing became like friends to me because I would rely on them to get me through some very tough times. A party or a job interview or something would come up where I would have to wear something other then trackie daks and I would be so grateful for "that sparkly red top" or "my good black shirt". By the end of the season they would be so faded, strectched and worn out that they had to chucked out.
Over the last year I have changed how I think about myself and my body. In the past I would never buy myself new clothes because, apart from thinking I was going to lose 20 kilos and it would be a waste of money to buy anything in my current size, I didn't think I deserved nice clothes. I thought that I was fat and worthless and did not deserve to spend money on myself or to look nice until I lost weight.
It wasn't just clothes that I thought I didn't deserve, I thought I didn't deserve to have friends, to be seen in public, to have a good job or even to get my hair cut. I always told myself that when I lost weight, then I would get to do/have these things.
About this time last year I started to change. I remember I was talking to my dad on the phone and he asked me if I had applied for any jobs lately. I said no, but described to him a great job that i had seen advertised. He was excited and asked when I was going to apply for it. I thought he was crazy and said that of course I was not going to apply for it because no one would give a great job like that to me. My dad was shocked and started telling me how lucky they would be to have me and how good I would be at it etc etc (you know all that stuff parents have to say...).
Anyway, it finally hit me and something just switched in my brain. I applied for the job, had 2 interviews with them, got down to the final 2 people, but didn't get the job. That was OK though because I had started to make the change. It was another 6 months before I got a great job (I did work in between, but in a shitty call centre job), but I did get one.
In the space of a year I have become a completely different person. I have a great job, I have made some awesome friends, I am happier, I laugh more, I don't hide away at home, my wardrobe has tripled and I even get regular hair cuts! I am still incredibly self conscious about my weight and occassionally lapse back to my old ways because it is a constant struggle, but I am working to accept myself- fat or thin.
I can't wait to wear my new tops to work this week!!!!!
A- Available or single? Well, that question doesn't make sense, but I am kind of single, kind of not...
B- Best Friend? The guy from the last question
C- Cake or Pie? Pie; mostly I love savoury pies though- meat, egg and bacon, cheese and spinch, but warm apple pie with cream is divine
D- Drink of Choice? Non alcoholic-Coke Zero, Alcoholic- vodka
E- Essential Item? My tweezers, I am an obsessive plucker
F- Favorite Color? White, I don't know if that is strange???
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Gummi Bears, mmm now I feel like eating gummi bears!!!
H- Hometown? Very small country town in Vic, Australia -population 1500. I moved to the big smoke a few years ago and currently reside in Melbourne
I- Indulgence? Time on my own to read, watch tv and play on the computer
J- January or February? February, it means summer is nearly over!
K- Kids and names? No, but I have always liked the name Anais for a girl and Truman for a boy
L- Life is incomplete without? Family, friends, good food and wine
M- Marriage Date? Not married and don't think I ever want to be
N- Number of Siblings? 2, one older brother and one younger brother- middle child!
O- Oranges or apples? Apples, though they seem to make me hungrier after I eat them
P- Phobias/Fears? Ok, where to start, spiders, public transport, sand, getting dirty feet, mess... apparently I am a bit neurotic
Q- Favorite Quote? "When you know better, you do better"
R- Reason to Smile? I am alive, healthy, employed and have food and shelter, so I am luckier then a lot of people in this world
S- Season? There is something magical and romantic about Autumn, he chill in the air, the leaves falling, the days getting shorter...
T- Tag three people! I am new to this blogging and the only blogs I go to at the moment are Marshmallows and she already tagged me, I don't know anyone else!
U- Unknown fact about me? I have always wanted to be an actor
V- Vegetable you hate? Pumpkin
W- Worst habit? Worrying!
X- X-rays you’ve had? None, touch wood...
Y- Your favorite food? Hot chips, in all forms and varieties
Z - Zodiac? Capricorn
Thursday, January 18, 2007
OK, the buttons are still pulling a little when I sit down, but I am sure it isn't as clingy as usual.
Let's just hope I don't spill my minestrone soup on my (white) shirt and it will be a good day!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Work has been tedious and dragging. Yesterday morning anyone sitting around me in the office would have heard me exclaim in a horrified manner:
"The clock says 10.30am, it can't be 10.30am! Seriously, it has to be later then that?!"
I haven't been sleeping enough and I am absolutely useless without my 8 hours (well actually I would prefer 9-10...). Every part of my body hurts, everything is difficult and I don't want to be around people. This resulted in me snapping at one of my bosses (yes, I am lucky enough to report to 8 different people) who made a comment that I took to be patronising. I am embarrassed to say that I threw out a:
"Yes, I did learn how to do that while I was doing my Masters at university"
It had the desired effect in that it shut my boss up, but I did feel like a mean arsehole afterwards. I am currently 'paying my dues' as an assistant and sometimes I am less then gracious about this.
Ok, I should go and try and get an early night so I don't turn into a complete bitch and get fired!
P.S. Being home alone is awesome, I can sit in front of the air con in a white singlet top that has baked beans stains on it from tea. Oh yeah, I am all class.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I was a bit disturbed to find that so many of the weight loss blogs I visited just end abruptly. One day they are happily blogging away, losing kilos, changing their lives and then it just stops. It makes me wonder what happened and why did they stop? It is sad to think of these people who were doing so well at changing their lives and that they might have lost their way.
On a self absorbed level, it makes me think about me and my weight loss journey. I feel scared that I could be blogging away, losing weight (not that I have lost any yet...) and then just drop the ball and never come back. God knows I have lost my way once or twice...
I think that it is just as important for me to write down my thoughts and experiences here, as it is to get up and do my exercise everyday. This blog is an essential weight loss tool for me and I am going to pledge to keep updating through thick and thin (sorry about the pun). So even if I fall into a hole and spend 5 weeks eating burgers and tim tams, I vow to still subject anyone reading this to my rantings.
I guess I should be pleased that I haven't gained, but I was really hoping for at least a half a kilo weight loss. I was trying to have a more relaxed approach to weight loss this year, but I am not sure if it is going to work out for me. Maybe I do need to be stricter and work out harder?
I am not going to get too upset because I am aiming for a long term change in my diet and exercise. This is about health and fitness, not quick results. Over the past 26 years I have forged some pretty disgusting eating habits and I can't expect things to change in 2 weeks. I just never realised that slow and steady would be so hard!!!
Ok, well I am going to go and watch the Golden Globes and marvel over how skinny all the women are and how beautiful their dresses are while I eat my Weight Watchers cookies and cream ice cream.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Someone should have warned me that when you weigh 114.5 kilo's that yoga is not the best way to go exercise wise. I thought it was all breathing and meditating and stretching. Turns out I was wrong.
You need to be able to hold your weight up while contorting your body into strange positions on your tip toes and then try to freaking breath in and out. My arms and legs were shaking and I felt like I was going to collapse at any time. At one stage I just stopped and sat on my mat because I thought I was going to die and the yoga instructor asked me why I had stopped and seeing as I didn't want to tell everyone it was because "I am too fat for yoga", I just had to keep going.
I haven't even mentioned the most humiliating part, I did this with my size 10 work colleagues. I haven't felt so fat and stupid in a long time. They were all relaxed, breathing properly and finding their spirits or something, while I was red in the face, dripping in sweat and looked like I was about to explode.
So now, $80 later, I am signed up for 8 weeks. I would rather pay another $80 never to go again. I am not sure how to get out of this, but I am not going back. I know some people might think I should persevere and not be a quitter, but god damn it, I am an adult and I don't have to do things I don't want to do. This is not like the time I signed up for girl guides or when I joined a born-again-christian bible studies group because I was too scared to say no. I am not going to be miserable because I feel obligated.
I walked home afterwards at a snails pace. My legs were still shaky and I was so sore that I had to take small, slow steps. God only knows how I am going to feel tomorrow. I might have to get a taxi to work...
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Like most fat people, I don't take well to the heat. It is not fun for me to go to the beach or wear short skirts and sleeveless tops. Instead I try and avoid the sunlight and stay covered up so as not to offend anyone with my blubber.
Every year I tell myself that it will be my last 'fat summer', but here I am yet again, sweating like the proverbial pig.
I shouldn't complain too much because I work in an air conditioned office, but that 25 minute walk to and from work is a struggle. My cheeks go red really quickly and they stay that way for a couple of hours. It is not attractive. Then work colleagues have the gall to suggest that we should sit out in the park and have lunch. Are you freaking kidding, it is 38 degrees???
Everything feels more uncomfortable when you are fat AND hot. All I want to do is rip my bra off and get under a cold shower. Normally I have no interest in the weather, because it makes little difference to me as I have such a limited wardrobe that I tend to dress for what is clean and what fits, rather then what the weather is. This all changes in summer and I watch the weather religiously with my fingers crossed, hoping for a cool change or freak cold snap.
I wonder if I would like summer more if I was thin? I am not sure if I would. I just don't enjoy feeling hot and sweaty. I would really like to find out for sure though, so here is to next summer being thinner, cooler and much more fun!
Monday, January 08, 2007
She is a computer genius and an awesome person. Check out her weight loss blogs in my side bar (is that what you call it?), she is really kicking weight loss arse!
Thanks Marshmallow you saved me so much stress! :-)
As I mentioned in my last post, I like a plan. I like being organised and it makes me feel secure when I have a plan to follow. Unfortunately life doesn't seem to follow plans, so I am going to try and take it easy and 'go with the flow' as they say. I figure if I keep my exercise up and eat as healthy as I can when I can, then that will be enough for now.
I had some bad news this week about a sick family friend and it just made me think about how I treat my body and that I want to do better. I feel like I want to feed my body with good food and actually nourish it, rather then just fill it with the rubbish that I normally do.
Generally when I start a diet I go full steam ahead and want to lose as much weight as possible, as soon as possible- this is normally achieved by starving myself. Surprisingly, this hasn't worked... I have failed on so many diets in the past, that it might be time to start doing the opposite of what I normally do. Who knows, it might just work. Like the quote goes...
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Friday, January 05, 2007
I don't plan on doing it long term, it is just a great way to give myself a kick start. I lost and kept off 10 kilo's in Jan/Feb 2006 and then lost 8.5 kilo's in Dec 2006. I am not sure how long I'll do it for this year, it might be a day, it might be a week or it could be 6 months. Just as long as I feel like it is the right thing for me. I will be having 3 Optifast shakes a day, 7 days a week (apart from the occassional splurge).
Now for the exercise.
I walk to and from work everyday, approximately 25 minutes of light walking each way. While I walk quite slowly, I still manage to work up a sweat, so I guess it must be doing something. As the weather heats up I may have to consider wearing my gym clothes because I am going to get all sweaty and smelly before work. So far my intense laziness has prevented me from doing this because I can't be bothered packing my work clothes and getting changed every day, that and the knowledge that it will only be a matter of time before I forget my work shoes and have to go to a meeting with my boss in my runners.
Last year I started getting up 30 minutes earlier and doing some exercise for 20 minutes before work each morning- weights Mon, Wed & Fri and 150 sit ups on Tues & Thurs. No one was more shocked then me when I started to do this. I have never been a morning person, I find it difficult to speak in the morning let alone exercise. I still remember the time I signed up for 10 classes of early morning step aerobics when I was living on college at uni. I went to one class at 7am and it was the most painful thing I have ever done. My legs were shaking and I thought I was going to vomit and I had to stop. Then for the next 9 weeks the annoying girls from my college banged on my door at 6.45 am trying to make me go with them, while I locked the door and hid under my doonah praying for them to go away. I did however dine out on my aerobics story for a while, I thought it made me sound thinner if I started stories with "when I went to early morning aerobics...". So anyway, back to the present, doing this exercise in the morning is relatively easy, I guess it helps that I do exercies I enjoy and watch the morning shows while I do it.
I have also signed up for a 1 hour yoga class once a week at work. This should be interesting because the few times I have done a proper yoga class I have struggled and humiliated myself. I find that yoga requires you to be able to support your own weight and when you have a lot of weight to support this is difficult to do. So I will be doing this with work collegues in the board room after work once a week- bad idea? Probably, but I had run out of excuses to tell work people why I couldn't do it.
So that's my plan. I have written it down, so now I have to do it. Feel free to abuse me if I don't do it, I work well with guilt!
Monday, January 01, 2007
I don't think I have ever written a list of New Years Resolutions- apart from the obligatory vow to lose weight. This is more a list of goals I want to achieve rather then resolutions, but really I am splitting hairs here aren't I?! I have been thinking for a couple of months now about the things I want to achieve in 2007, so I have written them down to remind me of my goals and to make me more accountable:
Health & Fitness goals for 2007...
- Maintain 2006 weight loss
- Be under 100 kilo's by 1st June
- Be under 90 kilo's by 31st December
- Do yoga classes at work
- Start swimming
- Walk to and from work every day
- Exercise for 20 minutes every morning before work
Other Goals for 2007...
- Learn to drive
- Get passport
- Go on an overseas holiday
- Save money
- Complete Masters degree
- Learn to speak Japanese
- Do volunteer work
- Continue to be fulfilled and challenged at work
The main thing that I hope will be part of every single one of these goals is being happy and enjoying life. I haven't set overly high weight loss goals because I have learnt from many a fad diet that setting unrealistic goals don't work for me. The higher the goals I set, the more I stress out and the more I stress out, the more I eat. I want to be able to go out and have drinks with friends, go to work lunches, enjoy my mum's roast beef and watch the occasional DVD while devouring a block of chocolate and not feel like a failure. I think the key to my weight loss will be doing the best I can, when I can and having a bit fun as well.
I weighed in this morning and I have now filled in my stats, take a look now because that number won't be there for long! Well hopefully anyway because it makes me feel fatter just looking at it! I had a total gain of 4 kilo's over the Christmas period, which to be honest, I am not that upset with. I have been known to eat a big meal and put on 3 kilo's, so 4 kilo's for 10 days of non stop eating is not that bad and my eating was very dismal i.e. chocolate for breakfast. I am really looking forward to getting those first few kilo's off because I am feeling incredibly bloated and puffy. I wonder if any of my work clothes will fit me tomorrow when I go back to work? I might have to wear my stretch black pants...