Sunday, March 30, 2008

Flying While Fat

A few months back I installed one of those stat counter things on my blog and it gives you keyword analysis that shows what search terms people have put into search engines and found your blog. I check this occasionally and have noticed that almost every person that finds my blog through google is doing so because they are searching for information on flying when overweight. It directs them to my blog because I wrote a post before I went on my first overseas trip about being Too Fat To Fly.

It really breaks my heart when I see some of the things people are searching for and I recognise their panic and desperation. I wanted to write what I could to help those people who do find this blog when searching for flying information. When I was at my biggest I remember being terrified that the airline would make me buy an extra seat or that I wouldn't fit in the seat at all. I was worried that the seat belt wouldn't fit, the food tray wouldn't go down and that I wouldn't be able to use the bathroom. When you are really overweight doing anything can be scary and flying was just a minefield of possibilities for humiliation.

My biggest weight when flying was 126.5 kilos (278 lbs) and I fit into the seat ok, it wasn't comfortable, but I was ok. The seat belt did not fit me and on the first leg on the journey I took a jacket to put over my lap and no one noticed that I didn't have a seat belt on. On the way home a kind and discreet air hostess handed me an extender without saying a word. I was too scared to attempt putting my tray down or going to the bathroom because I suspect they would not have been successful endeavours. Flying at this weight was not fun, but it can be done and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I normally fly alone for work and I think it would help if you were flying with someone you know and didn't have to suffer the glares of the stranger who is unhappy they have to sit next to you.

My second largest weight when flying was 110 kilos (242 lbs) and the seat belt just fit me with about half an inch to spare, the tray just went down and I was easily able to use the plane bathrooms. I felt a lot better then my last flight but I still felt uncomfortable about my size.

My most recent flight was at 97 kilos (213.5 lbs) and remarkably the seat belt had about 5 inches to spare when I did it up. The tray was a lot more comfortable to pull down, but still a little too close for comfort for me. I was in the middle seat and I did notice that I still felt like I was taking up more space then I was entitled to and I was careful to keep my arms as close to me as possible.

Lately I have been flying for work and I will be going on about 10 more trips this year. I am so glad that I have lost some weight already and it makes these trips so much easier. I still try to get on the plane as early as possible because I am nervous about walking down those narrow aisles and about getting into my seat and doing up the seat belt. I don't use the bathroom unless I am desperate- but really, who likes to use the plane toilets?! I would say that I am relaxed about flying now, but I would definitely like to have a bit more space to make the flight more comfortable.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Not Again

I have just eaten 3 pieces of caramel slice and I feel ill. I am at a conference in Perth and they are about to serve lunch and despite the fact I am already stuffed I am looking at the sandwiches thinking they look good.

So suffice to say, I have lost the plot. I indulged over the weekend because I was spending it with friends and family. Then I flew to Perth and attempted to get back on the wagon right away but the room service and mini bar call was too strong.

I am quite scared because I worked my arse off to get into shape for my reunion and we all know what happens when you lose weight for an event- you gain it all back (plus more) straight after. I have done this every time I have gotten under 100 kilos and I am worried it is going to happen again- in fact it already is!

It sounds easy enough to just stop, but I have this strange compulsion to keep eating. I know this is because I have deprived myself of so much lately that now that I have opened the floodgates I am drowning.

3 small steps to get back on track...

Step 1: Don't over-eat at lunch

Step 2: Find somewhere healthy(ish) to eat for dinner

Step 3: No chocolate from the mini bar tonight

Monday, March 24, 2008

Reunion Pictures

So I am not sure what to say about the reunion because to be honest I don't remember much. I accidentally drank a bottle of wine before I left and I don't even remember eating dinner. I am pretty sure I was drunk and annoying, so that is a bit of a shame. My best friend Katie (in pics below) doesn't remember much either, so we are slightly worried about what actually happened.

Katie does remember that we were both kicked out of the club we were in, not sure why, could have been many reasons. I text another friend the next day and she said the last she saw me I was sitting in a gutter. Apparently I called another friend to pick me up at 2.30am and told him my location was "Nowhere, on Nothing Street". When we got home Katie called me to see where I was and I thought my phone was a box of tissues and tried to speak to the tissues. So suffice to say I was a bit of a mess.

Here are some pics from before I was a drunken idiot...

Katie and I before we left for the reunion

A close up

The next morning I had the mother of all hang overs and basically felt like I was going to die all day. I went back to my dad's and he made me some dim sims for lunch, which strangely made me feel slightly better.

Not quite so glam... the morning after...

Katie has a massive bruise on her lip from kissing some guy who was rather enthusiastic, not sure if you can see from the picture below.

Katie's kissing injury

Friday, March 21, 2008

Pre-Easter Pig Out

I was a bit reluctant to weigh myself this morning because last night I had a bit of a pig out, but I was happy to see a loss of 700 grams (1.5 lbs) which brings me down to an even 97 kilos (213 lbs). My aim was to get to 96.5 for my reunion, so I am half a kilo off, but that doesn't really matter I guess.

So why the binge? I had an extremely busy week at work with lots of long meetings and late nights and then yesterday afternoon I met with a group of editors for a big strategy meeting and when it was over I felt such a sense of relief that it was finished and the long weekend was about to begin. Then everyone in my office left at 4.00, but I had to stay late because I had work to catch up on. There was plates of sandwiches and cakes left over from the meeting that I had earlier and I just started eating and kept eating until I felt sick.

I have a bad habit in that I love to eat alone. I buy food and bring it home and I seem to enjoy it so much more when I am alone. Sometimes I see people eating a muffin as they walk down the street or a burger on the tram home and I wonder why they wouldn't want to wait until they can sit by themselves and savour it. I think that is because I associate shame with eating and I feel like I shouldn't be seen eating in public and I can relax when I am by myself. So when everyone from my work left it seemed like a perfect opportunity to eat in private.

I knew what I was doing and I just didn't really care and I actually felt better after I finished. I know that I shouldn't rely on food to comfort me when I am tired and upset, but it does. Ideally, it would be best if I didn't do this, but I figure if I only do it occasionally then it isn't the end of the world.

So my high school reunion is tomorrow night, I'll try to get a photo of my new outfit to post. I have a strong feeling I am going to get very drunk and most likely say/do some inappropriate things, but that is half the fun!

HAPPY EASTER and enjoy the chocolate- you deserve it!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Skinny Clothes

I have my 10 year high school reunion on this weekend so I went shopping to find something to wear last Sunday. I went to my usual 'fat shops' (Myer, City Chic and Autograph) with no success. I was starting to worry so I decided on the off chance that I would try the 'skinny shops'. I looked in a few with no success, then I went to Jeans West and I nearly died when I saw they had jeans in a size 20! I also noticed a beautiful black lace top that seemed quite large. I tried them on and could hardy believe it when they fit.

The disclaimer on this is that the jeans are very tight and I have been wearing them to try and stretch them out. I googled how to stretch tight jeans and came up with spraying them with water and doing squats while wearing them, and I must say it does seem to be working. The top only fits because it is a very loose fit, there is no way that the other tops in the shop would fit me just yet. So I wouldn't quite say I am able to shop in skinny shops just yet, but I am getting close.

Despite this, I am so excited to be able to wear normal looking clothes that I like. The jeans are the perfect length for me, I have been finding lately that all fat shop pants I buy are literally 6 inches too long for me and I would need to wear them over my boobs for them to sit at the correct length. Not only that, they were reasonably priced ($60 for the jeans and $40 for the top) when I usually pay $90 for a plain top or $120 for pants alone. School reunions can be stressful enough, so I am just glad that I can at least feel comfortable in what I am wearing.

I am going back home to the country for the reunion on Saturday morning and I'll stay with my high school best friend who has just bought a house in the area. The reunion is Saturday night and I am sure we'll hit the town after the dinner. Then I'll go to my dad's for Easter Sunday and stay the night at his place and go home to the city on Monday. Then Tuesday I am off to Perth for work for the week which I am excited about because I have never been there before and I have always wanted to go. I got a dress from Myer to wear to the launch party I am hosting in Perth for $16!!! It was already half price and then had a further 75% of the already reduced price. It was too big up the top so I have had to have it altered at a cost of $60, so it isn't so cheap anymore, but still a bargain I think!

I've just realised this is a big boring brag post, so I better leave it there before I jinx myself!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Graduation Day

After gaining 3 kilos earlier this week in a massive binge I got on the optifast shakes and managed to register a 400 gram loss for the week. I am really happy with this considering that on top of the binge I had to eat out for work twice this week (champagne, dessert, the lot) and it is that time of the month as well. Obviously living off shakes in between all that was what made the difference, those shakes are the best for dropping kilos quickly!

I had a pretty intense week at work that was capped off with a crazy day yesterday. First I had lunch with one of my editors, then I had to rush straight to the hospital for an internal and external ultra sound with a doctor who basically could not give a shit. Then I went straight from the hospital to my graduation. Oh and did I mention it was 39 degrees and I had to do all of this on public transport and I had really bad cramps? It was quite a revolting day.

So graduation was a total bore. I finished my degree (Masters in Publishing and Editing) last June, but I was in Japan last year when the graduation ceremony was on so I postponed it to this year. I actually had no interest in attending my graduation, but my parents wanted to go. I already graduated from my undergraduate degree a few years back but I was about 20 kilos heavier then so I thought it was a good opportunity to get some better graduation photos. I didn't get professional photos (because I am a tight arse) but I did get a few photos snapped so I thought I would share the excitement with you all.

Posing awkwardly for the camera

A little less posed and a little more sweaty

It was stinking hot all night and I was draped in all that regalia so I was dripping in sweat by the end of the night and quite light headed. I was so stressed all day because both my parents were coming and they hate each other- literally. They have only seen each other once in years, so I was so nervous they would get into a screaming match. Luckily they remained civil, but things were a little strained.

So I had a really late night because the ceremony didn't start until 8.00pm, then today I had an all day strategy meeting with my team at work. It was at the decadent Langham hotel in the city and we had the most amazing buffet lunch. I stuck to a few small healthy options, but I would love to go back and have a huge feast one night.

Tomorrow I am off to my friend Donna's hen's day/night which as you can imagine will be huge- I am not even going to try and restrain myself! It is Grand Prix weekend here in Melbourne so I am sure it will be a crazy night out.

I have another busy week at work next week with lots of editor meetings before I go away for the Easter long weekend. Then Tuesday after Easter I am going to Perth for a week because I am hosting a launch party (!) and the dress I bought to wear doesn't fit yet. Looks like a frantic last minute shopping trip is on the cards...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


I often hear people talk about self-sabotaging their weight loss and I always thought I wasn't one of those people because why in the world would I want to do that? I do wonder though, because every time I get under 100 kilos I lose the plot and gain all the weight back. I fell back into bad patterns again this weekend.

It was a long weekend here in Victoria and so basically I spent 3 days engorging myself. I had lots of 'excuses' with having some girlfriends over on Saturday night for drinks, then my family over for lunch on Sunday, drinks with my dad Sunday night and a shopping trip and a movie with a friend on Monday. The thing is that I didn't eat reasonably on any of these ocasions, I used them as an excuse to pig out.

I ate when I wasn't hungry and when I was already feeling sick from eating too much. I knew I was making really bad choices and I wanted to stop, but I just couldn't bring myself to stop. Last night I was already so full and sick, but when my flat mate went to the shops and asked if I wanted an ice cream I said I was too sick to eat one, but I could squeeze a freddo frog in...

I got on the scale this morning to find a 3 kilo gain. I felt so revolting and bloated that I decided to go back on the optifast shakes for a couple of weeks to get the weight off I gained and kick start my weight loss a little. I won't be doing them strictly because I have to eat out a lot as part of my job, so on those occasions I will stick to veggies and lean meats. It will also be good to try and get into the black dress I bought to wear to my school reunion in a couple of weeks which is currently a bit clingy around my stomach. I always find crash diets before a big event are a great way to lose weight... and then gain it back... :-)

So the question is, am I self-sabotaging or am I just a pig? If I am self-sabotaging I would like to work out why I am doing it and how I can stop doing it. There is a good chance I am just a pig and need a kick up the arse though too.

Friday, March 07, 2008

30 Kilos Gone Forever

This morning I weighed in to an 800 gram loss for the week which takes me down to 98.1 kilos and means I have now officially lost 30 kilos (66 lbs). It has taken me over two years to lose this weight, but it has been worth every second of blood, sweat and tears (literally!) to get to where I am now.

Sometimes I don't feel any different since I lost the weight, but then I stop and think about all the things in in my life that I can do or have become easier since I have lost weight and can see what a dramatic change it has been.

Off the top of my head here are just a few:

• Run 30 metres to get to the tram
• Paint my toe nails
• Dry myself after showering
• Sleep without feeling such a weight on my chest
• Put my bra on
• Car seat belts always fit now
• Crouch down and get back up again
• Go to a sports stadium and fit on the seat and through the turnstiles
• Walk in between cars in a car park
• Cross my legs
• Sit up straight and walk with my shoulders back
• Eat in public without feeling as judged or be able to say to friends or colleagues that "I am Starving" without feeling like a pig
• Travel on a plane
• Feel entitled to have a seat on the tram
• Catch myself before I fall over (though not always...)
• Find clothes to fit- it was getting to a point where the plus sized clothes weren't fitting me
• Go swimming in public
• Stopped getting a sweat rash under my stomach
• Go to the hairdressers without feeling worried about the cape fitting me or laying back to get my hair washed
• Have enough confidence to laugh at myself instead of being embarrassed of myself all the time

The biggest thing of all is that I have stopped being scared of life. Now when it is a friend's birthday, a family event of a work function I don't stop cold and wonder what I can wear, if the seats will break or what people will think of me. Instead I am embracing life and excited for what the next challenge will be. Here is to the next 30 kilos and the adventures I will have between now and then!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

7 Random Things

I have been tagged by the wonderful K

Here Are The Rules:
1. Once you are tagged, link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post THESE RULES on your blog.
3. Post 7 weird or random facts about yourself on your blog.
4. Tag 7 people and link to them.
5. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

7 weird or random facts about me:

1. I work in publishing, but I have terrible grammar and I am constantly embarrassed by my lack editing skills.

2. I used to write fake sex stories to men's magazines for money when I was a student.

3. I love Christmas movies, they make me feel cosy and they are like comfort food. I always wished my life went more along the plot line of a cheesy American Christmas movie.

4. I once laughed so hard at school that I wet my pants- high school, not primary school!

5. I never want to get married or have kids, I have nightmares about being pregnant or that I am about to get married and it freaks me out. I have some serious commitment phobia issues.

6. Last year I ate a whole carrot cake in one sitting and could have eaten another one if there had been any more.

7. I find older men incredibly sexy, especially teachers. I so would have slept with one of my teachers in high school or uni if I had the chance.

Now I am not going to tag anyone because I know some people don't like doing these things. I would love to read this if anyone else does it so please let me know.

Monday, March 03, 2008


Last Friday night I went shopping for something nice to wear out and I couldn't find anything at all. All of the winter knits have come in and there is not much around that isn't jumpers and trackies. That is not to say I am not glad to see the back of strappy tops and short skirts that look ridiculous on me- not to mention the fact that summer is finally over (not that it feels like it just yet...)

The good news is that I am finally officially a size 20. For a while I have fit into some 20's and some 22's, but now every 20 I try on fits. I even have a couple of 18's that I wear, but I wouldn't say that I am 18 at all just yet. So I thought I could try and buy something from ezibuy because they go up to a size 20, so I measured myself and checked it against their measurements and I am so far off fitting into a 'skinny' size 20 it is ridiculous. I am glad I checked my meausrements before ordering because their clothes won't be fitting me any time soon!

Then I had to buy pantyhose and of the dozens of brands there was one brand for plus size women. The plus size brand came in 2 sizes- super large and super extra large. Why do they need to have such insulting sizes? Why not have small and medium or size 1 and 2? Just another reason it sucks to shop when you are fat!

Woohoo Sheridan just got kicked off The Biggest Loser, that will make the show slightly more watchable. Though people keep telling me that I remind them of her which is quite worrying.