As I have mentioned on this blog, I haven't told many people about getting the lap band. I have publicly failed on so many diet attempts in the last 20 years, that I just didn't want people to be rolling their eyes and waiting for me to fail again. I do plan to tell people about the band once I get to a healthier weight, but right now I am still at a weight that I have been in past diet attempts and I want to smash that number out of the park before I mention the band.
The problem is that I am feeling guilty about not telling some people, in particular some of my girlfriends that also struggle with weight issues. It's not that I think any of them would benefit from having lap band surgery, because none of them are particularly overweight, but they do have their own concerns about food and weight- like so many of us!
Since I have been back in Australia I have had dinner with 3 separate girlfriends and I ate my small lap band portions while they polished off healthy restaurant portions. All 3 of them were quite self conscious that I ate so little and were embarrassed that they had enjoyed eating their normal sized portions. I tried to make them feel comfortable about it by telling them that I was just watching my weight and trying to eat smaller portions... blah blah blah... but I could see that it only made them feel like they were pigs that couldn't control themselves.
Then last night I was hanging out with my best friend from high school, who still lives here in my home town where I am staying, and we were talking diets. We both happen to be going to a beach wedding on the same day in 9 weeks time and we were trying to motivate each other to get some kilos off before our chubby thighs hit the heat and humidity of tropical locations. She lamented that she just wished she had my willpower to not each so much and seemed quite down on herself about it. I almost cracked then and told her about the lap band because I felt awful that she was beating herself up and comparing herself to me when I have surgical help. Argh, just writing it now makes me feel even worse.
It's just one more reason I need to hurry up and get this weight off so I can stop hiding the surgery from my close friends and family.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I am still alive! This must be the longest I have gone without blogging in 3 1/2 years. I am suffering from a severe lack of internet access. I have well over 1000 unread blog posts in my google reader, but the fleeting moments I get internet access need to be spent looking for a job and a house… not that blog reading isn’t important too!
So, I still don’t have a house or a job and I haven’t had any source of income since March, so to say that things are tight is an understatement. I have applied for some promising looking jobs and have lots more to apply for, but it just takes time. Of course, no one wants to rent you a house when you don’t have a job, so that isn’t going too well either. In the meantime I have been staying with various friends and family across the country and people have been incredibly generous. Just a couple of days ago I was having a little whinge to my brother’s girlfriend on email that I desperately need a pedicure and that it’ll be the first thing I do when I get a job, then an hour later her and my brother call me from Canada and they have booked me in for an hour spa pedicure at a lovely day spa, which I enjoyed very much yesterday. Just having pretty pink toes makes my whole day brighter!
My weight seems to be staying stable (not that I have any scales), but I feel like I still weigh about 92 kilos. It really isn’t good enough that I have let my weight stay stagnant and I need to get moving with losing some more weight. I have let excuses get in the way and that needs to stop. I have been back from holidays for a month now and I could have lost 5 kilos in that time. So a few days ago I signed up at the local Fernwood gym for a 14 day membership for only $14, so that should keep me in-line for the next two weeks and give me something to do with my time.
My band is feeling a little tight right now and if I could get down to
on a weekday to see my doctor I would get a little fill taken out. I would probably be OK if I were preparing my own meals, but because I am eating out or with other people so often, a lot of the food I have to choose from isn’t very band friendly and it is making things a bit difficult. Unfortunately I have been reverting to ‘slider’ foods to help me out in these situations, which often tend to be chocolate! I have a lot of fun social events in the last few months of this year and I would really like to drop some more weight before they come up so that I can buy some pretty dresses and feel good about myself, so I can’t afford to continue to waste time if I want to reach my goals by then. Melbourne
NO MORE EXCUSES!
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
You gotta be rich to be insane, Hol. Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class.
-Movie, P.S. I love You
So I can't lie. This being homeless, jobless and broke business is a little bit less fun than adventuring around Canada, USA, and Mexico. I have to admit that I have been a little overcome with anxiety about what to do next. It turns out that real life doesn't fall into place like in all those chick-lit books I read by the pool in Mexico...
I really hadn't thought much about what I would do when I got back because I thought that either:
a) While I was travelling I would have a wonderful epiphany about what to do with my life while I was hiking up a mountain at dawn (guess I should have tried actually hiking up a mountain at dawn).
b) I would come back and my life would be like a fairytale and I would be offered a great paying, wonderful job and find a beautiful place to live and continue to lose weight without even trying.
So that hasn't happened yet...
I wanted to be brave and embrace the craziness of my life at the moment, but I really just want a little flat in the city where I can watch Masterchef, cook pots of soup, do my washing, complain about going to work, drink wine with my friends and snuggle into my own bed with the electric blanket and a good book. I thought I was much more glamorous than that, but right now I just want a normal life.
I stole this today from one of my favourite blogs, Too Many Cupcakes, because it got me out of my funk and reminded me not to be such a sad sack!
Thursday, July 01, 2010
I just realised that today is the 1st of July and there is only/still 6 months of 2010. Given that life has been a bit topsy turvy for me of late, I think that now is as good a time as any to set some new goals and create a new focus for 2010.
So here are a few of my goals for the rest of this year...
Weight: Get to 75 kilos (wow that number doesn't sound real to me)
Exercise: Push myself beyond what I 'think' I can do
House: Find a happy and harmonious place to live
Job: Find a job that I find interesting, pays the bills and allows me a good work/life balance
Money: Pay off at least half my travel debt
Mind: Pursue more activities that challenge my mind
Body: Treat my body with kindness
Soul: Think less about me and my problems and more about how I can help others
The first 6 months of 2010 were life changing for me and I plan to make the next 6 months even more amazing.
P.S. Happy Canada Day to all you gorgeous Canucks!